Radio’s Role in the Zombie Apocalypse

Posted on May 20, 2011

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Bar the studio door! You may be humanity’s last hope for information and entertainment if the zombie apocalypse comes during your show.

I’ve always recommended stations have emergency plans in place to deal with your garden variety catastrophes; your tornadoes, wild fires, floods and the like.

But now the Center for Disease Control — yes, that  Center for Disease Control, the government agency Center for Disease Control — has released Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse: a special brief to help people prepare to weather the appearance of zombies (and maybe a few other types of disasters).

I’m not usually a conspiracy nut but I think there’s something they aren’t telling us. They wouldn’t have addressed this topic publicly unless they know something we don’t.

Listen to this bureaucratic double-speak, “If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak.”

Yeah, sure they would.

And it’s not just the CDC that’s preparing for zombies. According to the brief, “Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas.”

The brief recommends having an emergency kit with water, food, medications, tools, clothing, and other basic supplies as well as an evacuation plan and contact list.

That’s fine for your listeners but what about for the talent on the air when the zombies start to take over.

Here’s a few thoughts:

1)  Despite their overwhelming numbers don’t be fooled into focusing your show on zombies. We can debate the ethical implications later but the fact is Arbitron’s recruitment system really isn’t equipped for zombies. It doesn’t matter if your market is PPM or diary, zombies are harder to sample then 18-34 year old men.

2)   Depending on your format certain songs should either be removed from the playlist or pushed into heavy rotation. “Living Dead Girl,” and the entire Rob Zombie catalog, “All You Zombies,’ by the Hooters, and “Dead Man’s Party,’ by Oingo Boingo to name a few. If you have other suggestions feel free to help your fellow talent by posting them in the comments section.

3)    I don’t care how big the talent fee is, once the zombie apocalypse hits don’t accept any more requests for appearances or remotes. Stick with doing your show from the studio.

It clearly seems like the government knows the zombie apocalypse is coming so you best be ready.

That is, if course, if the world doesn’t end this weekend like it’s supposed to.

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